hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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