I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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