I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
