I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
