good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
