i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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