I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize