I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
