I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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