I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize