You made me cry and you don't even care
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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