yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
