Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
