So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
