good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
