Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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