that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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