it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
