cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
