it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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