First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
someone owes me an orgasm
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
