dude i'm inner monologue high
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
