there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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