i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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