What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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