I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
