I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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