Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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