where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
