i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
