I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
