Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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