ya dads aren't the best wingmen
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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