shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
