Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
