I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
