I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
