Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
