Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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