so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
