Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
