Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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