I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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