I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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