I hate your face
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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