He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
