Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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