in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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