he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
