True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
