Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
