he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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