Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
