If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
