Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
