Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
