tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You ruined the universe
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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