When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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