I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
